Twenty years ago I was a scared bride. There were several reasons for this. I was marrying someone who had told me MANY times before that he was NEVER going to get married again. He had finally asked me to marry him ONLY after I left his house and was making a living on my own. It took our daughters to convince him to marry me.
All the time I was dressing and waiting in the church, I worried that he would not be at the altar when I rounded the corner to walk up the aisle. I was close to a major panic attack when the Bridal March music began. As I rounded that final corner, I saw him standing at the altar waiting for me. That was the LAST time he waited patiently for me in the last 20 years.
After our anniversary lunch, I was reading memes on Pinterest, following some to read the associated blogs or stories. One hit me particularly hard; ’13 Things You Should Never Do Around Toxic People’. WOW! I really need to take stock and quit doing most of them, the explanations followed EXACTLY what hubby of 20 years does regularly!
So many things in this article struck resounding chords with me! “…they’re impossible to please. Your damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” And that is just from the FIRST one! I have written them all down in a few places and am designing mantras & affirmations to remind myself until they become second nature to me.
I am also learning to protect my energy around him. That has become so very necessary since I have very few ways to replenish or restore my flagging energy because of so many changes in the world and my own little corner of it this year. I don’t have the tribe I used to have to replenish the energy he drains from me, so I have to protect myself from his energy vampire tendencies.
I vow the next 20 years of my life will be very different from the last 20 have been! I am filling my cup with things I want the Universe to send me; Joy, Gratitude, Abundance, Love, Humility, Consideration, Respect. And I have been emptying the things I DO NOT want more of; Anger, Hurt, Frustration, Desperation, Victimization, Depression. I will give those back to him and will no longer accept them in my cup.
I know this is a long, hard road I am setting out on, but I am strong, determined, and I have the whole Universe supporting me.
I told him in no uncertain terms that I WILL keep my own accounts. He is truly having a problem accepting that decision and is now talking divorce because I won’t blindly follow his directives.
As I listen to him talk on and on about this potential divorce being MY decision because I will not give him access to MY money, I think to myself, he really isn’t interested in ME; he wants control over the one thing I still have separate! He doesn’t want to take care of me or my bills; he wants MY income to cover HIS wants.
He continues to try to bully me into giving in, then threatens me with divorce, claiming it is MY decision because I will not transfer my income to cover HIS overspending! Really! You can’t take ANY responsibility for your OWN actions! I will not cave to your overbearing ultimatums, not in this lifetime or any other lifetime!
I know tonight will be rough and the weekend will be worse. But, knowing this, I can deal with it and stay strong. The Universe has my back.
Phoenix on the Rise
I am Woman, Hear me Roar!