My Vision Has Cleared

Twenty years ago I was a scared bride. There were several reasons for this. I was marrying someone who had told me MANY times before that he was NEVER going to get married again. He had finally asked me to marry him ONLY after I left his house and was making a living on my own. It took our daughters to convince him to marry me.

All the time I was dressing and waiting in the church, I worried that he would not be at the altar when I rounded the corner to walk up the aisle. I was close to a major panic attack when the Bridal March music began. As I rounded that final corner, I saw him standing at the altar waiting for me. That was the LAST time he waited patiently for me in the last 20 years.

After our anniversary lunch, I was reading memes on Pinterest, following some to read the associated blogs or stories. One hit me particularly hard; ’13 Things You Should Never Do Around Toxic People’. WOW! I really need to take stock and quit doing most of them, the explanations followed EXACTLY what hubby of 20 years does regularly!

So many things in this article struck resounding chords with me! “…they’re impossible to please. Your damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” And that is just from the FIRST one! I have written them all down in a few places and am designing mantras & affirmations to remind myself until they become second nature to me.

I am also learning to protect my energy around him. That has become so very necessary since I have very few ways to replenish or restore my flagging energy because of so many changes in the world and my own little corner of it this year. I don’t have the tribe I used to have to replenish the energy he drains from me, so I have to protect myself from his energy vampire tendencies.

I vow the next 20 years of my life will be very different from the last 20 have been! I am filling my cup with things I want the Universe to send me; Joy, Gratitude, Abundance, Love, Humility, Consideration, Respect. And I have been emptying the things I DO NOT want more of; Anger, Hurt, Frustration, Desperation, Victimization, Depression. I will give those back to him and will no longer accept them in my cup.

I know this is a long, hard road I am setting out on, but I am strong, determined, and I have the whole Universe supporting me.

Step One:

I told him in no uncertain terms that I WILL keep my own accounts. He is truly having a problem accepting that decision and is now talking divorce because I won’t blindly follow his directives.

As I listen to him talk on and on about this potential divorce being MY decision because I will not give him access to MY money, I think to myself, he really isn’t interested in ME; he wants control over the one thing I still have separate! He doesn’t want to take care of me or my bills; he wants MY income to cover HIS wants.

He continues to try to bully me into giving in, then threatens me with divorce, claiming it is MY decision because I will not transfer my income to cover HIS overspending! Really! You can’t take ANY responsibility for your OWN actions! I will not cave to your overbearing ultimatums, not in this lifetime or any other lifetime!

I know tonight will be rough and the weekend will be worse. But, knowing this, I can deal with it and stay strong. The Universe has my back.

Until Next time,

Phoenix on the Rise

I am Woman, Hear me Roar!

Spring Renewal


I had a really rough morning at work yesterday, so really needed a quiet walk in nature to ground and center myself so I could come back to my desk in a better mood and a kinder, gentler frame of mind.

It was a perfect day to walk in the park close to my work. The red buds are still blooming beautifully against the summer-blue Kansas sky. The birds are singing their lively spring songs and the trees are all beginning to show their new buds. The ducks are sitting on their eggs. And all is fresh and new in nature.


I had gentle meditation music playing in the one ear bud I wear for my walks (so I can also listen to the birds sing, the wind rustle thru the trees, and the water flow over the rocks). As I walked along, I was reminded of the precious renewals we all go thru every year, sometimes several times a year. I thank Gaia for the opportunity to experience this Spring renewal and the return of the sun to this area of the world. I thank her for the memories of several past Springs that have brought so much happiness to me and such a sense of wonder in each new flower or tree blossoming , each sweet song for the birds and each gentle hum from the insects.

I invite you to look around where you live as the new season unfolds before you. Look for the joy and wonder of the rebirth of each plant or creature this spring (or the slowing down and restfulness of each creature and the preparation for the quiet season if you are beginning autumn where you live). Fully be in the season each moment you can. watch the changes mindfully and note how you feel; renewed energy or beginning to slow down and rest. Appreciate the beauty in each scent, sound and sight as you walk in nature.

Thank you, Gaia, for the wonder of each season and the changes in our world. I appreciate the joy and renewal in Spring (as that is the season I am in now). Thank you for this lesson in gratitude and stillness.


In the Eye of the Storm




Home Stretch Musings

We finished Chemo & Radiation in January. Then the real horror of this whole cancer fight hit hard!

Hubby couldn’t eat or drink anything because of the radiation burns to his throat. This caused a SERIOUS weight loss and malnutrition that was endangering his health and life even more than the cancer ever would have. Finally at the end of January his doctors decided to put a feeding tube into his stomach. Why they didn’t do this three weeks earlier is beyond me, but they did finally get it done. His weight at the beginning of this cancer journey was 306 lbs. When they put the stomach tube in 7 weeks later his weight was 143 lbs. That is an average of 10 pounds per week lost! He was malnourished and dehydrated as well as unable to take any of his pain meds because they all had to be swallowed.

Fast forward to 4 weeks later, we are still struggling with getting anything down the throat, but have been slowly working on swallowing room temperature water just to get some much needed moisture in the throat so it can begin healing. We have only had one other ER trip, which was a study in frustration. Some of the local ER doctors really have piss-poor bedside manners, and absolutely no patient care abilities when it comes to giving any useful information to ease a patient or their caretakers.

We feed him thru the stomach tube (a whole new experience that I never want to do again!) and give him his pain meds thru the tube. But he does seem to be improving, slowly. I am hoping that he will improve even faster once the weather warms up and the sun stays out. He needs the sunshine and warmth even more than I do!


Looking forward to seeing the hummingbirds return and the flowers bloom in our front garden. I am making plans for the back yard and gardens we cleared last autumn. So many things I want to do back there to make it a sanctuary for me, Hubby, the dogs, and Gaia.

More on that later, though.  Let’s get thru the final days of winter first.


Until next time,


Storm on the Horizon


And So It Begins

We had our first two days of Chemo. They were long and stressful and so very tiring! We left the house around 9AM and didn’t get back until after 4PM both days. He had lab, Nutritionist visit, Chemo, Radiation and Radiologist visit on Monday. Tolerated the Chemo fairly well that day, of course he was also drinking plenty of water, juice, and Ensure during the treatment. I, on the other hand, ate a small bowl of oatmeal in the morning before we left and ate a good lunch around noon, then had my pap smear in the early afternoon. That was the limit of my food and liquid intake and exercise for the rest of the day! By the time we got home, he was ready to rock the night away and I was sick to my stomach, shaky from low blood sugar and just ready to drop! I didn’t even have the energy to find something to eat, even though I needed the food! I did warm up a hot pocket and ate that which made me feel better able to continue.

The next day, we woke up disgustingly early and were at the hospital again by 9AM. This time I had to fast for my well-woman blood-work. He gets up and fixes himself an egg, which made me hungrier, but I knew he needed to eat. However, when I left the room he was going to eat in, he got mad! I gently reminded him that I am fasting for my labs today. He made a couple of snide remarks that made me feel unwanted and unappreciated because I didn’t put his wanting me to sit beside him ahead of my need to survive my fast long enough to get the blood-work done.

Thankfully I was able to get labs done as soon as we got to the hospital and was able to get my first cup of coffee before 9:30AM.  That cup was pure bliss! Then we went through all the fun things he had to have done. This time he didn’t drink much of anything, although he did eat most of the lunch I brought him. The lack of fluids through the day cost him in the long run. By Tuesday evening, he was worn out, bitchy, and felt sick to his stomach. The anti-nausea pills they prescribed didn’t work for him. As a result, we didn’t sleep well again.

Wednesday morning rolls around and I have to get up and go to work. He stays home, has his radiation, comes back home and really doesn’t feel well. Again, he hasn’t really drank or eaten anything since lunch yesterday. I leave work at noon to see what is going on with him, call his Oncologist and see what we can get going for him. The Dr orders every other day to get an IV with extra fluids to keep him hydrated while he is between Chemo days. He also ordered a different anti-nausea pill that dissolves under his tongue.

Cut to this morning, Thursday. I am back to work and cannot leave today at all! He has radiation and his fluid injection today. Thankfully, the new anti-nausea meds are working so much better! However, his text to me says that the nurses at the Cancer Center are telling him that he doesn’t need the additional fluid injections, that there was enough in the last two days to tide him over. That hurt, I don’t leave work when I have so little leave time left just for fun! I tell him that the Dr must have thought different because he ordered the extra fluids for him… That shuts him up.

Cut to the present moment, I have had 3 close calls to completely falling apart all over my co-workers and no one seems to care that I am a hot mess with all the stress and worry I am dealing with!  That brings me to the link I want to share with you.


For anyone who cares for someone going through cancer, or really any major illness or surgery: 10 ways to support a cancer caregiver

Remember, the cancer warrior isn’t the only rock-star in this battle. You are also a rock-star for dealing with everything and more!


Here is another wonderful article about what it looks like to be the caregiver: What It Actually Looks Like

I know I am stressed beyond belief and worn all the way down to my soul. I hope I can recover before Christmas, but that also depends on his behavior and if he will allow me the space and time to sit by myself and decompress.

There will come a time when I will need to just walk out and spend some time completely away from everything and everyone for a bit.

In the meantime, my workday continues and I will survive!

Until next time,


Storm on the Horizon


Seriously getting in the Yule Spirit


I spent some time outside at my home. By myself. In the wind. With some peppermint tea. I feel so much better now!

On my drive to work, I was thinking about what to get my son and his family for Christmas/Yule, and came up with the perfect gifts! As a plus, I have already collected most of the ingredients I will need! Isn’t it great when Gaia leads you to things that you didn’t know you would need, but you collected them anyway!

I will be making some spell jars for my Pagan family members…

One will get a nightmare protection jar, one will get a health and happiness spell jar and the third will get a peace and prosperity spell jar.  Two will be tiny ones that they can wear and one will be set beside there bed at all times. I am so tickled to get started on these! I don’t even care if Hubby (who doesn’t know I am on The Path) asks what I am doing! I am so ready to come out of the broom closet so I can actually practice and celebrate as I feel I need to instead of trying to arrange time alone to do what I need to do for my own peace of mind.

But, back to the protection/spell jars..I have almost all the things I need for them so I can get started right away. I am hoping to have them all ready to sit on the windowsill on the next full moon so they will be especially powerful for their people. I am starting with the nightmare protection jar because I am closest to the person that one will go to. It tickles me that as I write down what I want to put into the jar, then look up the correspondences, I am so right on with that! My intuition is coming back to me so quickly and so fully! Thank you, Gaia!

I will post all about them as I finish them and will post pictures when they are completed and charged.  Wish me luck!


Storm on the Horizon

I Heard and Heeded the Call


This morning was one of those difficult ones, the kind that you wish you could just go back to bed and call it a day already! Hubby was not happy about my shopping trip yesterday (even though I got him some warm and comfortable fleece clothes to wear for his cancer treatments), and he woke up in a fowl mood, accusing me of having a lover again! After he left for work, I sat at my altar and just let all of those feelings wash over me and dissipate in the air. After a short while, I felt so much better and looked in the dish that holds some of my crystals. Two of them called me so I picked them up, I tried to put them back into the dish, but they wouldn’t drop from my hand, so I stuffed them into my bra for the drive to work.

The crystals were Carnelian and Tigers Eye. I feel so much more in control of my emotions and nowhere near as angry and frustrated as I had been feeling. Thank you, Gaia, for teaching this lesson to me today.


On another subject, we will be going to Hubby’s cancer team meeting early Monday morning. This meeting should give us the information about what stage his cancer is in, how far it has spread, and give us a clearer image of what treatments to expect. I am nervous as well as ready to find out. Waiting is hard for both of us. Again, Gaia knew what I needed when she guided me to these crystals.

I have been amazed at how accurate my intuition is very quickly becoming! I am also amazed at the ease in which I have been able to release Hubby’s foul words and accusations. Just a few weeks ago, I would have been in a deep misery with the accusations he was throwing around like confetti this morning.  Now, I am so much more in-tune with my deeper self that his petty hurtfulness rolls off of me like rainwater. I understand that he is in pain, is worried and afraid, and this is his way of getting that out of his system (no, he really doesn’t care who he hurts as long as he can feel better). I understand that he is a toxic person, but I also know that I cannot leave him, especially while he is fighting for his life.

This deeper understanding of me has seriously helped me heal from all of the past abuse. I see myself getting stronger and more whole than I have been in a very long time.

Here’s to healing myself from the soul outward!_99188595_wineglassesgetty



Until next time, Blessed Be

Storm on the Horizon





Small Steps


This is the way I feel right now as Hubby & I come to grips with his diagnosis. We now have appointments with an oncologist and an oncology radiologist. The appointments are 2 weeks away, but at least they are made and we will know more by Thanksgiving.

I have picked up a mini planner to keep all of the information on this fight and, if needed, to make notes on Hubby’s final wishes so I can fulfill them.

In the meantime, I am also continuing my year and a day in preparation to my solitary initiation. I started that on October 30 and my year and a day will be complete next October 31, 2020.  Samhain.  A full moon.  A BLUE moon! I could not have picked a better day!

I have pulled Tarot cards each weekday morning except for today. Instinct told me to just sit quietly at my altar and meditate. I thanked Goddess for everything in my life and for each day that I am given in this lifetime. After that I felt much more peaceful than I had for a few days.  On my drive to work, watching the glorious day open up, I felt such joy and happiness and calm that I almost cried. That is how I want to feel every day!

I have also bought more yarn to work on Grandson’s blanket and have been working diligently on Granddaughter’s blanket. I keep working on them to keep my spirits up and my frequency sending love to them and our daughter. I am working on manifesting them being at Thanksgiving and Christmas this year and every year forward.

Until next we meet








Storm on the Horizon

Beginning a New Era


We got the results of Hubby’s biopsy on Saturday. He does have cancer, thankfully (if there can be such a thing with that kind of diagnosis), his cancer is due to a virus and usually responds well to treatment.

We spent the rest of the weekend at home, quietly, just enjoying each other’s company and resting up for the fight ahead.

His Ear-Nose-Throat doctor is supposed to make an appointment with our local oncologist for sometime this week.

He told the children we still have contact with (including our youngest daughter who is currently not really speaking to us) and heard back from two of the three kids. I have also developed my own support system because I know that I will need them at some point in this battle.

Thankfully, none of the people we told came over this past weekend. Neither one of us wanted company. We just wanted peace and quiet to come to terms with this diagnosis and all the ramifications and changes to come to our lives.

Now, onward and upward toward the battle!


More on this later my lovelies.

Storm on the Horizon




As this year passes into the next, I am put into a reflective mood.

I tried and failed to become independent of my husband. He hasn’t changed, but the way I view our marriage has changed.

My attempt to leave has brought out a deep fissure between our daughter and us. I am trying to heal that wound, but will take time and patience as she is very angry and I am only just now learning what brings her anger out against us.

Our son has become my husband’s best friend, which I am so thrilled about. They really have always needed to be close, but I think I must have been in the way since their closeness came about while we were separated.

Our son has his girlfriend living in this state now, instead of way up north of here. She is such a fun person! I am really happy that he has finally found someone who loves him as much as she does and someone I love to have around as well! She is the first one who realized that I was going toward Paganism and learning to trust my own intuition and “witchyness”.

I am growing and learning in my chosen lifestyle and enjoying my world much more than I have for a very long time. We cleaned and winterized a section of the yard for me to plant next spring. That will be my witch’s garden. I have also started herb seedlings and picked up some growing herbs from Dillons for inside this winter.  Hubby & I picked up a couple of metal plant stands from someone down the road from us. The larger one is holding my herbs in front of the stationary glass door in the family room. I am looking forward to cleaning and de-cluttering the family room and being able to use the table in that room very soon!

We have cleaned and de-cluttered the front bedroom and now have a really nice bed in there. We have cleaned and de-cluttered the office closet and are now using that as a pantry and the office is now so clean and repainted and has become one of my happy places!

Our front room has been rearranged and we are much happier in there as well. We do have more work to do in the front bedroom and the front room, but we are happy with what we have done so far. It has made a world of difference in our home.

My husband has some serious health issues which are now coming to light. He has surgery early in the morning for a biopsy on his tonsil. We are preparing for the worst news but hoping for the best.  That is all we can do at this point since we essentially know nothing.

Blessed Be and Go In Good Health Until We Meet Again.

Storm on the Horizon







Exploring a New Religion

I have been searching for a religion that I can believe in and accept for a long time. Having been raised as a Methodist, I have been disappointed by the mainstream churches in my area and the people who control them.

My heart follows nature and that is where I find my greatest peace, so, I am exploring Wicca. No, I am not worshiping satan or anything like that! I appreciate nature and everything she has to offer. My best days have always started with the beauty of a wonder-filled sunrise, and ended with the wonder of a beautiful sunset.

In my exploration, I am reading ‘Wicca for Beginners’ by Gillian Nolan.

Wicca for Beginners

I haven’t gotten very far in this book yet, but I have several passages highlighted in pink! Yes, PINK! I am loving that color right now.

I have also bought a few different crystals to help clear my heart, mind and soul. Since I have been reading and trying to follow the ideas in the books I have been reading (some are on my Kindle), I do feel much more in control of myself, not as “scattered”, and have been able to actually sit for extended periods of time without just vegeing in front of the television.

I am learning to read Tarot and have been spending time with my deck each morning before I go to work. Quiet, relaxing music (thank you Aura App) and a peaceful feel in my kitchen have gone a long way toward making me feel comfortable in my own home again.

I am also learning about the crystals and their properties, now wearing black onyx and green jasper for protection and will have moonstone before my birthday! Each of these have healing and protective properties, so I can continue to heal myself.

These steps I am making must be working because my daughter has contacted her dad & I with some very angry words and a threat with no foundation. So, I will continue on this path and deal with the fall-out as best I can.

Wish me luck!



Storm on the Horizon